Little Fire
by purplepagoda
Summary: After the season finale. Jackie takes Cruz home, to make sure that he gets home safely. She offers a shoulder to cry on. But, when to giants go toe to toe, someone always falls. Or, one of them makes a mistake. Or, often times, both of them do.
1. Too Close

Eleanor, and her newborn are both sound asleep. Coop sits next to the bed, unmoving. He looks up at Jackie, with a grin.

"Go home, you've had a long day," he suggests.

"I should be here."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Are you sure?"

"She can yell at us about it, tomorrow."

"Ok," Jackie agrees.

She leaves the room, and heads for the elevator. Jackie finds Cruz, standing in front of the nurses station, like a lost puppy. She sees a look on his face, that she recognizes. A look she, herself, has worn before. The one that you wear, when everything in your life has turned to shit, and you have no one to turn to, and so you make bad choices.

"Don't say anything," he warns.

She ignores, him, and grabs his arm, gently.

"Don't!"

"Come on," she begins to drags him away.

"I don't want to."

"I want to make sure that you get home safely."

"You are not my babysitter, I'll be fine," he argues.

"I'm not doing this for you," she tells him.

"Don't do it to make yourself feel better."

"I'm not doing this for me, either."

He takes a deep breath, and he allows her to escort him out of the building. They make their way into the parking garage. She holds out her hand.

"Keys," she tells him.

"You're not driving my car."

"You are in no condition to drive. I know that you hate me. I know that you hate the whole world right now, but you've got to trust me."

"I don't."

"Then just trust the mistakes that I've made."

He takes the keys out of his pocket, and hands them to her. She takes the keys, and climbs into the driver's seat. He gets in the vehicle, next to her.

The car ride to his place is silent. She parks outside his building. He looks at her, as she turns, to get out. He furrows his brow, and refuses to look her way.

"Come on," she says softly.

"I..."

"Come on, I got you, " she tells him.

"Ok," he nods.

She follows him into the building. He fumbles with his keys, when he reaches the door. She gently slides them from his hand, and unlocks the door. She pushes it open. He steps into the apartment. She walks in behind him, and closes the door.

"I'm home safely, you can go now," he tells her, as he tugs at his tie.

She helps him get his tie off.

"I don't need your help," his nostrils flare.

"Listen, and listen carefully, because I am only going to say this once. I don't like you. And, I would love nothing more, than to see you fall, but not like this. I've been in tough situations. Situations, that make you reach for the first thing that you can find. And, when you don't have a shoulder to cry on, you reach for a bottle, or a pipe, or a needle, or a pill. Tonight..." she swallows hard, blinking away tears, "I don't want to have to relive tonight. I don't want to watch you come into my ER, like that. Do you understand me?"

"Why are you doing this?"

"You know why."

"No, I don't. I don't understand why you're being nice to me. I just fired you. I don't understand why you..." he begins to break down.

"Because, I loved your kid."

"He wasn't yours to love," he clenches his jaw.

"He was yours, and you didn't do a good enough job. You were supposed to protect him. You were supposed to love him, and be there for him, and you weren't."

"That's harsh. I just..."

"I know, but the last thing you need, right now, is someone to lie to you. Because, then, it becomes too easy. Eventually you don't know where the truth starts, and the lies start."

"I am not you."

"But you could be. You hate me, because I don't take people's shit. You hate that..."

"I don't want to do this, right now."

"What do you want? A bottle of tequila, and a couple of Vicodin?"

"Are you offering?"

"I have neither, could get both, but will not."

"I failed, as a father."

"What do you want me to say to that? Would you like to argue?"

"Why is it that you are so brutally honest with everyone, but yourself?"

"I am not brutally honest.""About other people's lives," he clarifies.

"I have been a nurse for a long time."

"And?"

"You can lie to a patient and tell them what they want to hear, and sometimes, that is the best thing you can do. And, sometimes you tell the truth, and they hate you for it, for a while, but eventually, they respect you for it."

"Why?"

"On the worst day of your life, you don't want people to pity you, you just want answers."

"You've been doing this for too long," he tells her.

"And, you haven't been doing it long enough."

"You should go. I'm a grown man, I'll be ok," he tells her.

"No, I don't think so."

"Jackie..."

"The couch looks comfortable," she adds.

"Why did you like my son, so much?"

"He was like me. He was the me, that I used to be. I thought that if I took him under my wing, that maybe I could help him. I thought that I could be the support, that I never had," she answers, nearly getting teary eyed.

"You were," he tells her.

"It wasn't enough."

"My son thought the world of you. And, now he's dead, and that's my fault."

She doesn't argue, "It's been a long day, you should get some sleep," she says, instead.

And in that moment, he's looking into her eyes. She's standing entirely too close to him. He steps closer, she doesn't back up. She never backs away from him, or backs down. And that was dangerous. He takes a deep breath, trying to keep from making a mistake. But as he breathes in, he catches a whiff of her scent. Sweat, from a long day, a hint of Degree, and a dash of baby lotion, from the new baby she had been holding earlier.

And, without much warning, his lips are on hers. After a few seconds he pulls away. She looks at him, in confusion, and shock, and... something he can't quite put his finger on.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. That was out of line."


	2. Mistakes

She takes a step closer to him, and her pulse quickens. She tries to ignore the adrenaline rushing through her veins, knowing that he could be her new drug of choice. But, really she doesn't care.

She shakes her head. "Don't be," she tells him.

He looks at her. She stands dangerously close. Maybe, that was what is was about her, that threatened him all along. The fact, that she was in control. He had tried to fight it, but... maybe he shouldn't. Maybe this, was better. As he contemplates what to do next, she takes charge.

She kisses him back. He doesn't back away this time. She doesn't offer to stop. He pulls her in, even closer. She tugs at his buttons. By the time that they reach the bedroom the only thing between them is a couple of undergarments. They don't make it to the bed, or even to a soft surface.

Hours later he wakes up. He turns to look at the clock. He expects to find his bed empty, that the events from the previous night, would have her sneak out, and pretend that nothing ever happened. He looks to his right, and sees her lying next to him, wide awake, with a completely petrified look on her face.

"You're still here."

"Uh huh."

"I'm going to have to give you your job back now, aren't I?"

"Uh..."

"You're speechless? That's something new."

"Last night was..."

"A mistake?"

She nods, "I should go. We shouldn't have..."

"Maybe you should stay."

"And what? You'll cook me breakfast?"

"No. I don't cook. I had something else in mind."

Before she can respond, she hears a phone ringing. She pulls the sheet off the bed, and slide out. She races for the phone. She finds it on the floor, near the door, in the pocket of her scrubs.

"Hello," she says, holding the sheet with her free hand.

"Where are you?" Eleanor questions.

"I am..." she begins.

"It's nearly eight o'clock, and..."

"Give me a few minutes, and I'll be there," she promises.

"Jackie, please hurry. I can't do this on my own."

"I thought that Coop was there."

"I told him he could go home to shower."

"He'll be back."

"I am alone, with a baby, and..."

"Ok, give me fifteen minutes."

"Ok," she hangs up.

Jackie hangs up the phone. Cruz comes into the room, holding a bra, and panties. He offers them to her. She looks at him, in disbelief.

"You have to go?"

She doesn't answer.

"Where are your clothes?" she questions.

"I couldn't find them, but I see most of them here," he points to the floor.

"Can I have my stuff, I've got to get back to the hospital."

"Yeah," he nods, handing them to her.

She drops the sheet. He just stares at her.

"Really?" she raises an eyebrow.

Ten minutes later, she finally leaves his building. She makes her way to the hospital, as quickly as possible. She dodges her co-workers, as she heads for the elevator. She gets on, and gets off at maternity. She makes a beeline for Eleanor's room.

She opens the door, and steps in. She takes a seat next to Eleanor, who holds the baby, with a petrified look on her face.

"Where is Coop?"

"Where have you been?" Eleanor questions.

"I got here as fast as I could."

"It took you twenty minutes."

"How long has Coop been gone?"

"Half an hour."

"You called me after ten minutes?"

"I didn't know what to do."

"Was he crying?"

"No," she shakes her head.

"Then what?"

"I just don't know what to do with him," she shrugs.

Jackie rolls her eyes. Eleanor cocks her head. "Is that what you were wearing yesterday?"

"I don't know."

"You smell like sex."

"I do not," Jackie argues.

Dr. Cooper comes into the room.

"What took you so long?" Eleanor quizzes.

"I live ten minutes away. Ten minutes there, ten minutes in the bathroom, ten minutes back. I'm sorry it took so long," Coop apologizes.

"I think the two of you have it covered. I had a long night, I'm going to go shower," she slips out, quickly.

Before Jackie can return to the hospital, from home, Zoey comes to visit O'Hara.

"He's cute," Zoey comments, as she takes a seat, near the bed.

"Can I ask you something?" Eleanor wonders.

"Sure," Zoey nods.

"Did you see Jackie leave last night?"

"Yes, she took Cruz home."

"Oh, really?"

Zoey looks at her watch, "He's awfully cute, but I've got to go back to work."

"Find Coop."

"He just went to the cafeteria, remember?"

"I know, but.."

"I'll have him paged," Zoey jokes.

"Good."


	3. Admission of Guilt

Jackie comes into the room, and is relieved to find that Eleanor, and the baby are both sleeping. She carefully, and quietly takes a seat, in the chair, next to Eleanor's bed. It squeaks, when she sits down. Eleanor's eyes pop open.

"I thought that you were Coop."

"He's downstairs, working."

"Oh."

"So how is he?" Jackie asks.

"Perfect. Can I ask you something?"

"About babies?"

Eleanor shakes her head, "Why were you still wearing your uniform?"

"Nostalgia," Jackie lies.

"Uh huh. And you smelled like sex."

"Your nose is off," Jackie argues.

"And you went home with Cruz last night," Eleanor counters.

"So? Do you honestly think that I fucked Cruz?"

"You're right, that's ridiculous."

Jackie's heart sinks. She has the sudden urge to tell the truth. It spills from her mouth like word vomit, before she can stop it.

"I fucked Cruz," she admits.

"What?"

"Twice."

"What? You did not."

"I wish that I hadn't."

"What happened? I want every detail."

"I took him home, and... decided that it would be a good way to get your job back?"

"No. He kissed me."

"What? Unbelievable."

"And then he stopped, and apologized."

"You refused his apology?"

"I kissed him, back," Jackie reveals.

"I see."

"And, then I couldn't stop it," Jackie admits.

"Did you sneak out?"

"No."

"You slept in his bed?" Eleanor wonders, feeling more disbelief with each question that Jackie answers.

"Yes."

"Wow. Wait... you said twice. Was the first time your dream? Were you counting that?"

"No," she shakes her head.

"The second time?"

"Right after you called."

"You were still there?"

"Yes."

"How was it?"

"You know how I said that I didn't have a thing for doctor's, that I have a thing for drugs?"

"Yes," Eleanor nods.

"That is not entirely true. I mean I do have a thing for drugs. And, I don't have a thing for most doctors."

"What are you saying? You have a thing for Mike Cruz?"

"I don't know," she shrugs, "He was just so emotional, and I didn't know what to do."

"So you had sex with him, twice? Just to shut him up?"

"I wasn't thinking clearly, obviously."

"So what does this mean?"

"It doesn't mean anything."

"Are you going to do it again?"

"Give me a little bit of credit here, I do have some self control," Jackie tells her.

"For arguments sake, let's say that you didn't."

"Why?"

"What if you continued to have sex with him?" Eleanor inquires.

"I am not going to. It was a one time thing."

"It happened twice, plus that dream you had," Eleanor reminds her.

"It is not going to happen again. I am going to stay away from him."

"You know that he can't fire you, now, right?"

"Why not? He already did. I am no longer his employee."

"But, if you wanted to fight for your job, they would give it back to you. They would have to."

"How is it, that I always find a way to make a situation worse than it already is?"

"So what is your plan, now?"

"What do you mean?"

"With Cruz?"

"There is no plan. I am just going to avoid him."

"Are you going to go to the funeral."

"Of course I am. Charlie was a friend, I owe it to him."

"You'll see him there. You have to speak to him, or it is disrespectful."

"I'm not going to jump his bones, at the funeral."

Zoey walks into the room, and looks around in confusion. She glances at Eleanor, but her eyes land on Jackie, after a moment.

"Jump whose bones, at the funeral?" Zoey raises an eyebrow.

"Can I tell her?" O'Hara begs.

"No. You cannot tell her. She doesn't need to know."

"Please," she whines.

"It's not your information to tell."

"Then you tell her, because I can't keep this a secret."

"O'Hara you can't tell anyone," Jackie warns.

"Just Zoey. I won't tell anyone else, I swear."

"Tell me what?" Zoey wonders.

O'Hara ignores Jackies death glare. She smiles widely, and tells Zoey, "Jackie slept with Cruz."

"What?" Zoey's mouth drops open, "I have to say, I am a little disappointed. Sleeping with enemy? Really?"

Jackie looks at her, "That's not the reaction I was expecting."

"What were you thinking? He's grieving," Zoey inquires.

"He started it," Jackie argues.

"What?"

"He kissed her," O'Hara reveals.

"But he stopped, and apologized, for crossing the line," Jackie adds.

"Then she kissed him back," O'Hara narrates.

"Just when I didn't think things could get any crazier, you screwed our boss," Zoey shakes her head.


	4. Grieving

She stands there, in the rain, her heart is pounding. She should be grieving. She should be crying, but she's not. She looks at the closed casket, as they lower it into the ground. She notes the crowd, all wearing black. Her eyes fall on a handsome man, it big, dark brown eyes. She doesn't notice what he's wearing, just that his suit accentuates his biceps. She finds herself undressing him with her eyes. The service is over, and she heads for the gate of the cemetery, as quickly as possible, not wanting to get herself into anymore trouble.

She's almost to the sidewalk, outside the cemetery. She's almost in the safety zone. At the funeral they had said not a single word to each other. It was better that way. He was a drug, that she just couldn't take. She feels a hand on her shoulder. Her conscious screams at her, telling her not to turn around. Her feet betray her, her body swivels in the opposite direction. She lays eyes on him.

"Jackie," he whispers softly.

"I'm sorry," is what she tries to leave it at. Simplicity, was better, in this situation.

"Can I give you a ride?"

"I can walk."

"You're soaked, let me give you a ride," he offers graciously.

"I can't," she shakes her head.

"Please?" he begs.

She simply nods. She follows him to his big, black SUV. She climbs into the passenger's seat. He closes the door behind her, and walks around the front of the vehicle. Sitting in the driver's seat, with the key in the ignition, and the engine off, he turns to her. She swallows hard.

"You probably don't want to be alone, do you?" she guesses, knowing him too well, already.

"Not really, but I don't want to cross any lines."

"It's a little bit late for that, don't you think?"

"I should just take you home," he advises.

"I don't want to go home," she admits.

He furrows his brow, "Ok."

"It's an empty house. It should be full of laughter, and two girls screaming at each other, and me, but it's not. They aren't there."

"Ok," he nods, in understanding.

With each block her pulse, and blood pressure rise. She stares at him, as he drives.

By the time he locks the door of the apartment, behind them, his jacket, and tie are on the floor. Her shoes lie on their sides, on the floor. The button of her blazer has popped off, and lays as a casualty, on the floor near the shoes. Her blazer falls to the floor. She eyes his button down shirt. He looks at hers questioningly. She shrugs.

It's the middle of the afternoon, and she lies, tangled in sheets, in her former boss's bed. She turns, and looks at him. He watches her breathe, saying nothing.

"Why do we keep doing this?" she asks him, curiously.

"We're in mourning. We're both grieving something we can't get back. It's bigger than the loss of a child, or a friend," he admits.

"I don't remember when I became this person," she admits.

"Neither do I. When did I become so cold?"

"Believe it or not, I used to be like Zoey."

"Young?" he scoffs.

"And naive, and on a mission to save the world, and heal all who came to me."

"You can't fix them all."

"At some point, I realized, I can't even fix me."

"We are two seriously screwed up individuals."

"Charlie would hate this."

"He would accuse you of climbing into bed with the devil."

"Is that what I'm doing?"

"We should stop doing this."

Hours later, she finds herself on Eleanor's doorstep. She doesn't knock, or ring the bell, knowing that her best friend's hands are full. She just opens the door, and goes in. She quietly tiptoes into the living room. She finds Eleanor on the couch, staring at her son, who is sound asleep in his bouncy seat. The living room looks as if it has exploded. Eleanor has dark circles under her eyes, her hair goes in about six different directions, and she is still in her pajamas.

"You look like Hell," Jackie admits.

Eleanor shakes her head. She notes that Jackie's blazer is sans buttons. Her blue button down is missing several buttons. One of her shirt tails is tucked in, while the other isn't. Half of the buttons on her shirt are mis-buttoned.

"We're you the one they were attempting to bury?" Eleanor shoots back.

"It was a very nice service," Jackie answers.

"So you are going to avoid the obvious question."

"He's sleeping," Jackie avoids eye contact.

"Coop got called in, so I had to do it myself."

"It's not as easy as it looks, is it?"

"I didn't know something in such a small package, could be such a terrorist."

"Welcome to motherhood."

"I don't know if I like it, at all."

"This is the easy part."

"The easy part? What do you mean?"

"Wait until he's old enough to scream at you, and tell you that he hates you."

"My sweet, precious, little, terrorist? He would never do that."

"You're right, he's a boy, he might not."

"So how long are you going to keep this up?"

"Keep what up?"

"Sleeping with Cruz."

"I..." she shrugs.

"Until one of you hurts the other so badly, that you want to kill the other one?"

"It's not like that?""Then what is it like?"

"I don't know," she shrugs.

"If this is an attempt to get your job back, I think that you've already done it."

"It's not."

"So, then, what is it?"

"Life."

Jackie's phone rings. She pulls it out of her pocket, and puts it against her ear.

"Yeah? Sure. I'll be right there," she hangs up.

"Cruz?" Eleanor teases.

"The hospital. They're short staffed, and they want me to come back."

"Who called? Zoey?"

"The head of the board of directors."

"Oh. Then by all means, go."


	5. Karma

It's two weeks before Cruz returns to his position at the hospital. It's nearly twelve weeks after the birth of her son, that Eleanor returns to the hospital.

Eleanor steps into her office, and flips on the light. She finds Jackie sitting on her couch, in silence.

"What are you doing in here?"

"I'm not ready to go out there, yet," she admits.

"Why not?"

"It's awkward," Jackie admits.

"You are the one who made it that way."

"I know."

"He's been back for ten weeks."

"I know."

"So, why are you hiding, in here, today?"

"Because I am."

"Do you have another drug test?"

"Not that I am aware of."

"I can't believe that they made you take a drug test every week, for four weeks."

"I can. I don't blame them."

"So how long is this going to go on, for?"

"What?"

"You, and Cruz?"

"I don't know how much longer I can keep it up. I feel like I am carrying around this big, dark secret..."

Eleanor cuts her off, "Secrets get you into trouble."

"I know."

"So when are you going to end it?"

"I don't know," she shrugs.

"You look tired," Eleanor admits.

"I feel like shit, I think I have the flu."

"Then you should go home."

"Eleanor, just about everyone here has the flu."

"Didn't you get your flu shot?"

"We can't get them for another two weeks."

"Have you talked to the..."

"No," Jackie shoots her down.

"So then, flu shots aren't part of the pillow talk?"

Without another word, Jackie leaves the room. She adjusts her stethoscope, and steps onto the floor. Within moments she's elbow deep in blood, in trauma bay one. The exchange between herself, and Eleanor are silent. It was good to be getting back to normal.

When she finally gets home, she finds Zoey passed out on the couch. She closes the door behind her.

"How did you get home before me?"

"I left ten minutes before you did," she replies.

"Why didn't you wait?"

"I didn't know whether you were coming home, or not."

"I live here."

"That doesn't mean that you were coming home. I thought that you might go elsewhere."

"What do you want for dinner?"

"Whatever you cook."

"Fair enough."

"Jackie?"

"Yeah?"

"Can we talk about it?"

"Talk about what, Zoey?" Jackie makes her way into the kitchen.

"You screwing our boss."

Jackie looks in the refrigerator, "What's to talk about?"

"How long are you going to keep it up?"

"I don't know."

"I know that you hate talking about your feelings, and shit, but..."

"But what?"

"It's a slippery slope."

"I am not having an affair."

"You are still technically married."

"I have been legally separated for quite some time. I am not cheating on my husband, and I'm not doing drugs."

"I never said that you were."

"Then what's with the judgmental tone?"

"I don't want to see you get hurt. A year ago, I wouldn't have said that, because I wasn't sure that you had feelings."

"Zoey, don't worry about it."

"What happens, when it ends?"

"Shit will hit the fan. We'll deal with it, and get back to normal."

"But Karma's a bitch."

"It wouldn't be the first time she bit me in the ass."

"So what's for dinner?"

"Cereal, with no milk."

"I was supposed to go to the store."

"So, pizza, or Chinese?"

"Doesn't matter."

After finishing dinner, Jackie's phone rings. She tosses the empty carton into the trash can, and grabs her phone off the counter. She's still in her scrubs, and she's ready for a shower. She answers the phone.

"Hello?"

"You coming over tonight?"

"I probably shouldn't, I think that I'm coming down with something."

"You were just here last night, if you have it, I probably do too."

"We can't keep doing this."

"Why not?"

"You're my boss."

"Who has to know?"

"People are starting to talk?"

"People? What people?"

"I don't know," she shrugs.

"Come on, please."

"Not tonight," she hangs up.


	6. Almost Out The Door

Jackie grabs her bag, out of her locker, and heads for the door. Eleanor catches her, near the elevator.

"Where are you going?" Eleanor inquires, "It's only four thirty."

"I have a doctor's appointment."

"A what? You hate doctors. Wait, do you mean...? But he's still here."

"I hang out with you."

"I don't count."

"I have an actual doctor's appointment."

"Why? Are you dying?"

"No it's for my annual."

"Your annual? You actually go to those?"

"The last time I went to one Fi was about a year and a half old."

"Oh. So why are you going now? Is something wrong?"

"No, nothing is wrong. I just want to make sure that..."

"You're not falling apart in your old age?"

"Basically," Jackie nods.

"Have fun."

"Fun? With stirrups, and a speculum? I doubt it."

After her appointment she finds herself, at a certain doctor's home. She knocks on the door. He checks the peephole, and pulls it open. She closes the door behind herself.

"Why do you always knock?"

"It's polite."

"A, I have never known you to be polite, and B, you have a key."

"For emergencies."

"If your here, it's an emergency," he steps closer.

"That's not what I came over here for."

"You came to tease me?"

"I don't think that we should do this, anymore."

"Your appointment didn't go well?"

"It went fine. It's not that."

"I don't understand."

"I can't keep doing this."

"What we have is great."

"What we have is carnal."

"Like I said, what we have is great."

"I am a recovering addict."

"I know."

"I am only as sick as my secrets. This is killing me. I can't keep it up."

"Three and a half months in, and you're having second thoughts?"

"Don't make this any harder."

"You're the only reason I haven't lost my mind."

"I am enabling you."

"Enabling me? To do what?"

"Keep from dealing with losing Charlie."

"No, you're not."

"It's better if we end things, now, before they get messy."

"What are you talking about?"

"I am a nurse. What do you think the board is going to say, if they find out that we're sleeping together? It's going to raise questions."

"How are they going to find out? Are you going to tell them?"

"No."

"Then how?"

"We should disclose what's going on."

"Since when are you miss by the book?"

"Since I want a bottle of pills, and a gallon of vodka."

"We aren't in a relationship."

"I know."

"It's not as if we're going to dinner, and a movie."

"I know."

"Do you want that?"

"No. My divorce isn't even final yet. I don't need another relationship."

"Ok, then what?"

"I have two daughters, and I need to focus on them."

"They aren't home half of the time."

"Please..." she begs.

He looks at her. His fingers cradle her chin. He takes another step closer. She is ready to push him away. He sees the look of panic in her eyes, that she's let him get too close. She expects him to kiss her, the way he always does. Instead, he wraps his arms around her. He hugs her tightly.

"You love me?" more of a statement than a question.

She doesn't answer, she simply buries her head in his shoulder.

"Why does that scare you, so much?"

She takes a deep breath, and a step back, as he lets go of her. She can't fight the tears. She clenches her jaw, trying to slow them down, but she can't.

"You're my boss," she answers simply.

"So?"

"I can't. I can't always cross the line, and find a way to justify it."

"What if I wasn't your boss, anymore?"

"I am not going to quit my job."

"I would never ask you to."

"This can't work."

"I'll find another job."

"No."

"So, you're just going to let this go?"

"Let what go? It's just sex," her voice grows louder.

"Is it?"

"That is what it appears to be. We have a lot of sex, and not a lot of anything else."

"Do you want something else?"

"No," she lies.

The following morning, she wakes up, in his bed. He's sound asleep. She stares at him, for a moment. Her eyes fall on the clock behind him. She rolls over, and stares at the alarm clock on her side. She turns it off, knowing she only has two minutes before it screams at her, to get out of bed. She heads into the bathroom, for a shower.

She comes out in a towel. He's still sleeping, as she makes her way into the closet. She grabs the clean uniform that hangs there. She slips on her clean clothes, and goes into the bathroom, to dry her hair. By the time she is done brushing her teeth, he's out of bed. She finds him in the kitchen. He sits on the counter, next to the coffee pot. He holds out a travel mug full of coffee to her. She takes it from her. He slides off the counter. He kisses her.

"Don't. I don't want to be late."

"See you, in a little while."

"Bye," she turns to go.

She's to the door, with her hand on the knob, when he calls out to her.

"Love you."


	7. Talking About A Bomb

She opens the door, to Eleanor's office, and sits her cup of coffee down, on O'Hara's desk. She returns to the closed door, and opens it. She proceeds to slam it. She screams. She takes a seat on the couch, trying to calm down. She looks up, when she hears the door close. She looks up.

"What are you doing here, so early?" Jackie wonders.

"I had a meeting to go to," O'Hara reveals.

"Oh."

"Why are you screaming, and slamming doors?"

"Fucking karma."

"Yes, she's a bitch, what did she do now?"

"Just when I think that I can't dig a hole, any deeper."

"What are you talking about."

"I went to..."

"Cruz's last night, like you do, just about every single night, that you don't have the girls."

"Right."

"And?"

"I told him that I wanted to end it."

"Why?"

"Because I have feelings now."

"And?"

"I feel like I am somehow taking advantage of him."

"You're, bloody, kidding, right?"

"No," she shakes her head.

"It didn't go well?" Eleanor guesses.

"Zoey told me that I should end it."

"Since when do you listen to Zoey?"

"She pointed out that I have feelings," Jackie adds.

"And?"

"I might get hurt."

"So?" Eleanor shrugs.

"She was right. There is no good ending, here."

"Ok?"

"I told him that I didn't want to keep..."

"Screwing with him?" Eleanor finishes the sentence for her.

"Basically," Jackie nods, in confirmation.

"What did he say?"

"A whole bunch of bullshit."

"And then?"

"I keep doing the same fucking thing, and expecting a different outcome."

"That is what makes you crazy," Eleanor points out.

"This morning he made me coffee," Jackie continues.

"How dare him," Eleanor feigns being appalled.

"It was sweet," Jackie reveals.

"But, you're Jackie Peyton, and sweet makes you sick."

"I'm not done yet," Jackie admits.

"What more could there be? He made you coffee?"

"Last night he told me that he would get a different job."

"Is he some love sick school boy?"

"I don't want that."

"You just wanted a booty call?"

"Then, before I could walk out the door, he dropped a bomb."

"He's dying?"

"No," Jackie furrows her brow.

"He's got a venereal disease?"

"Who the hell says venereal, anymore?"

"So, yes?"

"Not that I am aware of."

"Did you get tested, while you were at..."

"Yes," Jackie confirms.

"And?"

"I don't have results yet. I am sure that I am fine."

"So what bombshell did he drop? He's a Patriot's fan?"

"Worse than that."

"He's gay?"

"No."

"He has an evil twin?" Eleanor continues to guess.

"He told me that..." she swallows hard, "I don't even know if I can say it."

"Say what?"

"He told me that he loves me," Jackie answers, in disgust.

"What?!"

"This is not how this was supposed to go."

"What do you mean? Did you have some plan?"

"Yes," Jackie nods.

"Was it evil?"

"Of course."

"What was it?"

"I didn't intend to sleep with him."

"But?"

"Once I did, I figured I would make him feel guilty enough to leave."

"The hospital?"

"And maybe even the city."

"That didn't work."

"I know."

"Now what are you going to do?" O'Hara wonders.

"I don't know," she shrugs.

"Jacks I hate to tell you this, but I am not entirely surprised"

Jackie looks at the clock on the wall, "And, on that note I need to get to work," she heads for the door.

Eleanor calls after her, "Don't forget your coffee."

"You can have it, the thought of it makes me want to barf."

"Toodles," Eleanor laughs, waving.

Jackie takes a seat at the nurse's station. Zooey shoots her a look.

"You look like someone just ran over your dog, except you don't have one," Zoey points out.

"This is just my face."

"If you want to talk..."

"I'll see a shrink."

"And we both know that's not going to happen," Zoey mutters under her breath, "Ever."

"I heard that."

Zoey scoots away, "I'm just going to go over here, now."


	8. Suspicions

Jackie's just dropped the girl's off to school, the next morning, when her phone rings.

"Hello?"

"Jackie, this is Elaina, from Dr. Marks office. He wanted me to schedule a follow up appointment with you."

"A follow up appointment? Why?"

"He just wanted to go over your lab work with you."

"Just send it to me."

"He wants to go over it with you in person."

"Is something wrong?"

"He just asked me to call you."

"Ok, when does he want to see me?"

"Today."

"Today?! Are you sure?"

"As soon as possible. When is the soonest you can be here? Do you work today?"

"No, I'm off."

"Will eight o'clock work for you?"

Jackie looks at her watch, "It's seven twenty."

"So will it?"

"Ok. I'll be there at eight."

"Great, I'll see you then."

Jackie hangs up the phone, and hails a cab. Half an hour later, she finds herself at the doctor's office. She signs in, and takes a seat in the waiting room, with about a dozen other women, who have all been there longer than she has. Her name is the first to be called.

She follows the nurse back to the exam room. She takes a seat, and waits on the doctor. She watches the clock on the wall, just waiting for her fate. Her thoughts run rampant. Less than two minutes later the doctor knocks on the door. He comes in, and shakes her hand.

"So," Jackie starts, "by the sense of urgency I assume that you found something?"

"You're a nurse?"

"Yes," she nods.

He opens the manila folder, and hands the lab work to her. She thumbs through it, reading each page, carefully. She looks up at him.

"They're all negative," she shoots him a questioning look.

He slides the paper out of her hands. He takes the final sheet out of the manila folder.

"Correct," he holds out the final sheet of paper.

"What's this?" she questions, without looking at it.

He hands it to her. She studies the final page very carefully. She reads, and re-reads it. She looks up at him, in confusion.

"There's been some mistake," Jackie tells him.

"No mistake."

"A mix up," Jackie suggests.

"It's easy enough to find out."

"But..."

* * *

Before she can argue anymore, the nurse is coming into the room. The next several minutes, are a blur. When she leaves the doctor's office she feels numb, and confused. She heads home, in silence. Before she gets there she pulls out her phone. She dials a familiar number.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Kevin, it's me."

"Did you get the girls off to school?"

"Yeah."

"Jackie, are you alright?"

"I'm fine," she lies.

"You don't sound fine."

"I just called to ask you a favor."

"Ok?"

"Can you pick the girls up from school tonight?"

"It's your night," he points out.

"I know. I'm sorry. You probably have plans..."

"Jackie, what's going on?"

"Can you keep them?"

"Of course I can. Are you alright?"

"I'll be fine."

"Are you sure?"

"I just found out that I have strep, and I don't want to give it to the girls. They don't need to miss any school."

"Ok," he agrees.

"Thanks," she hangs up.

* * *

When she gets home, she takes a shower, and puts a clean pair of pajamas on. Emotionally defeated, she climbs into bed. She's made it all the way from the bed, to the couch, by the time Zoey gets home.

"Why are you on the couch?" Zoey questions, walking in the door.

"I just am."

"You look defeated."

"Pretty much."

"Where are the girls?"

"With Kevin."

"Why?"

"It's a long story."

"What's going on?"

"Nothing," she lies.

"O'Hara told me."

"Told you what?"

"What Cruz said."

"Oh."

"Is this about that?"

"No."

"Jackie, are you ok? You don't look very good."

"I think I'm just going to go to bed."

"It's not even eight o'clock, and you're in your pajama's already. Something is going on," Zoey confronts her.

"Drop it Zoey."

"I can't."


	9. You're Dead

"Jackie, whatever it is, you can tell me."

"Karma just bit me in the ass."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning, I don't want to talk about it."

"Now?"

"Ever."

"You're dying?"

"No," she shakes her head.

"You're sick?"

"No."

"You have crabs?"

"No," Jackie almost smiles.

"You're lying?"

"I am going to bed."

Zoey rolls her eyes, and watches Jackie climb the stairs. She listens closely. When she hears the door close, she pulls out her phone, and heads into the kitchen.

"Zoey, I just got home, what could you possibly want?"

"Jackie's acting weird."

"Jackie is weird," O'Hara reminds her.

"She's in her pajamas, and she just went to bed."

"My baby isn't even in bed yet," O'Hara points out.

"I know."

"What did she say?"

"She just said that karma bit her in the ass."

"And?"

"She didn't elaborate."

"I wouldn't worry about her."

"She is in a real funk."

"Just give her time."

"What if we give her time, and space, and it's not what she needs."

"What do you mean?"

"What if she relapsed?"

"I'll be over in fifteen," Eleanor hangs up.

She comes to the back door. Zoey is sitting at the kitchen table, in silence, when she arrives. O'Hara doesn't bother to knock, she just waltzes in.

"Where is she?"

"In bed."

"Asleep?"

"I just checked on her, she was asleep."

"Are you sure?"

"I don't know," Zoey shrugs.

"Is there dirty laundry?'

"What?" Zoey furrows her brow.

"Does she have dirty scrubs?"

Zoey nods, she runs to the basement, and grabs the basket. Eleanor sifts through the basket.

"What are you doing?"

"Zoey, I'm checking her pockets."

They sift through the laundry, and find nothing.

"Where is her bag?" Eleanor questions, tossing the dirty laundry back into the basket.

"In the living room," Zoey answers. She grabs the bag, and brings it into the kitchen.

Eleanor opens the flap, and dumps the contents onto the kitchen table. They sort through each item.

"Wallet, keys, id badge," Zoey begins.

"Toothbrush, toothpaste, stethoscope."

"Floss."

"Is it actually floss?" Eleanor wonders.

Zoey opens it up, she peeks inside, "Just floss."

"Breath mints," O'Hara opens the container. She sniffs them. She examines them, noticing that each one is dual colored, and has icy crystal flecks.

"What about the pockets?"

"There aren't any," Zoey responds, looking side the bag.

"Let me see."

Zoey hands her the bag. Eleanor flips the flap over. On the inside there is a zipper pocket. She reaches inside, and feels around. She pulls out the contents of the pocket. She tosses the papers on the table.

"Parking ticket. Receipt for pizza," Zoey begins.

"Receipt for tuition. And a grocery list. Was she wearing a jacket?"

Zoey nods, and heads back into the living room for the jacket. Eleanor tosses everything back into the bag. Zoey unzips the pockets of the jackets. She reaches inside, and pulls out more papers. They stare at the papers, blankly, in disbelief. They scrutinize the papers, but say nothing.

She clears her throat, "What are you doing?"

They turn around, and find Jackie, staring at them.

"We thought that you were hiding something," Zoey begins, "I was afraid that you might have fallen off the wagon."

"I haven't," Jackie insists.

"She called me, and I came over," Eleanor reveals

"And, so the two of you thought that it would be ok to go through my stuff?"

"We thought you had relapsed," Zoey defends them.

"I get it, but you should have just asked me."

"You lie," Eleanor points out.

"You should have just left it alone," Jackie scolds Zoey.

"I'm sorry."

"So, now you two know."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Eleanor wonders.

"I think that you should go," Jackie tells her.

"Ok," O'Hara nods, guiltily.

Eleanor leaves, and Jackie takes a seat at the kitchen table, across from Zoey, in O'Hara's vacated seat. She looks at the papers, in front of her, and then looks at Zoey.

"So, you're not dying," Zoey comments.

"No, but you're dead," Jackie tells her.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"If I did I would have told you."

"Now I know."

"I still don't want to talk about it."

"So what are you going to do?"

"I am not going to talk about it."

"What do you want me to do with these?"

"Put them back where you found them," Jackie answers, leaving the room. She climbs the stairs, and heads to her room.


	10. Coming Here

She's lying in bed, wide awake, staring at the ceiling. She craves a fix. She wants so badly to give in, to the only drug that's been worth her while, lately. She thinks about settling for a nicotine fix, but that wouldn't even be close, and she didn't want to die of lung cancer. A couple of pills, she didn't even have interest in a couple of pills. All she wants, is him. She just wants him, the object of her affliction.

No one said she couldn't have him. They only said it was a bad idea. In all honesty, one of them probably end up dead, at the hands of the other. What did it matter?

She rolls over, hoping to get some sleep. She prays that when the morning comes this will all just be a dream, and her life will go back to normal. Morning comes, and it's not just a dream. She staggers down the stairs, into the kitchen. She finds Zoey waiting on her, with a cup of hot tea.

"Do not preach to me. I do not want to hear it. Get rid of that swill, I want coffee."

"But..." Zoey tries to argue.

"Coffee is the only thing that stands between me, and insanity, at this point in time."

"I knew you would say that," Zoey flips on the coffee maker, and dumps the tea down the drain.

"What are we having for breakfast?"

"Pancakes."

"I'm sick of pancakes. If you mention pancakes, one more time, I might hurl."

"I don't think that it's because of me talking about what I want for breakfast. We live off of take out, and breakfast foods."

"That is true."

"But we haven't been to the grocery store, so all we have is frosted flakes."

"I would like to have some frosted flakes, about now," Jackie admits.

"I have a feeling that you're not talking about the one with the tiger mascot."

"No," she shakes her head, "Most of these are made in Israel, and they..."

"You can't have any of those frosted flakes," Zoey scolds her.

"Fine," she groans, grabbing the box of cereal, from the cabinet.

"Are you going to take a shower?"

"Why?" Jackie wonders.

"We have to leave for work, in fifteen minutes."

"I don't think I want to go. I am feeling sick."

"You're going, go get in the shower."

"What are you, my mother?"

"When you get done, I'll have your coffee."

"But..." Jackie begins to whine.

"And I'll buy you a doughnut."

"With sprinkles?" her eyes light up.

"Yeah, but not the made in Israel kind."

"Fine," she stomps out of the room.

She comes back down the stairs, after a quick shower. She finds Zoey waiting on her, with her bag.

"Where is my watch?" Jackie questions.

Zoey holds it out, for her, "It was on the coffee table, where you left it."

Jackie puts it on. She looks at the time, "We still have ten minutes."

Zoey stuffs the cup of coffee in her hand. "I know, but we have to stop for doughnuts."

"You planned this, all along, didn't you?"

"How could I plan your awful mood, and your humongous secret?"

Jackie rolls her eyes, and follows Zoey out the door.

* * *

That night, she finds herself at his doorstep, instead of at her own, after work. She stares at the door, for what seems like an hour. She thinks about knocking, but chickens out, every time. She takes a deep breath, and turns to leave. She turns around, and finds him staring at her.

"What are you doing?" he questions.

"You scared the shit out of me. How long have you been standing there?"

"I came in right behind you, so about five minutes," he admits.

"You left before me," Jackie points out.

"I had to pick up some shaving cream, and some cereal."

"Oh."

He unlocks the door. She steps aside, and allows him to pass.

"Are you coming in?"

She nods. She closes the door, behind her, as she enters.

"I thought that I had scared you off."

"You did."

"So what are you doing back, here?"

"I just wanted to tell you, that life has consequences, as I am learning, all to well, as of recent."

"I know that Jackie. Life is a bitch."

"You have no idea."

"So what are you doing here?"

"I don't know," she admits.

"Do you want to pick up, where we left off?"

"No. I just want a bottle of pills," she reveals.

"That bad, huh?"

"What?"

"Whatever it is that's on your mind."

"Who said there was something on my mind?" she challenges.

"The fact that you're here."

"I don't want to keep making the same mistakes, over, and over again."

"Then don't."

"I am trying not to. That's why I'm here."

"To tell me that we can't do this, whatever this is? Jackie you already told me that. So, I am wondering, why are you here?"

"I can go."

"Or you could stay, and tell me what's going on, with you."

"If I stay, you know what will end up happening."

"You'll rip my clothes off, and we'll be right back where we started."

"We didn't start here. In fact we didn't start off very well, at all," she reminds him.

"I am not going to play mind games, Jackie. I am exhausted."

"Then I should go."

"Because you want this, you're just too damn scared to admit it?"

"Because this is a mind game, all of it."

"Then tell me why you're here."

She shakes her head, "I can't fucking do this."

"Do what?"

"Coming here was a mistake," she realizes.


	11. Time

She slams the door, when she comes into the house. She wanders into the kitchen, to find Zoey, folding laundry, at the kitchen table. Zoey doesn't ask where she was.

"You're not going to ask where I was?" Jackie tosses her bag down.

"Nope."

"Why not?"

"If you want me to know, you'll tell me. You made that perfectly clear, last night."

"I am sorry Zoey, but you have to understand where I'm coming from."

"I do."

"I went to his place."

"And?"

"Nothing happened."

"Nothing? I left. I couldn't say anything. I didn't want to do anything."

"You wanted to," Zoey points out.

"But, I didn't."

"What are you going to do?"

Jackie melts into a chair, at the kitchen table.

"Probably be locked up in a psych ward," she admits.

"That isn't what I meant, and you know it."

"What are the odds?"

"Not in your favor," Zoey reminds her.

"It was a rhetorical question."

"I know."

"But you felt it deserved an answer?"

"Yeah."

"I can't do this. I don't want to do this."

"Then don't."

"I..." Jackie hesitates.

"If you don't want to do it, what's with the face? What's with the hesitation, and anxiety?"

She shrugs, "I don't know. This can only end one way."

"How is that?"

"Badly."

"Maybe not."

"Zoey, life is not a fucking fairytale. People don't always live happily ever after."

"You have a lot of secret, but I think that your biggest is, that you want that."

"Want what?"

"To live happily ever after."

"Happily ever after is fiction."

"If you had your fairytale, how would it in?"

"Me, deep into a bottle of pills, and alcohol."

"That is bullshit, and even I know it."

"I am a drug addict. You can't expect me to want to be normal. Of all the things I have ever wanted to be, normal was not one of them."

"So, what? You're just going to give up."

"Give up? No. I'm not giving up. I have been run over by a truck, and then hit by a train, but giving up isn't an option."

"I know that this is tough, but maybe there is a lesson here, that you need to learn."

"Yeah," she nods, "Don't screw your boss."

"Tell me something."

"What?"

"Do you love him?"

Jackie doesn't say anything.

"You should just be honest with him."

"Honesty gets me nowhere."

"All of your problems, are from you lying. You know that, right?"

"I am conditioned to lie."

Zoey shakes her head, "Even when the truth would do you better?"

"What are you trying to convince me to do."

"Go back over there, and don't leave, until you talk to him."

"I already talked to him."

"No, you talked at him. Were you really listening."

"I am not going back over there. I know how it ends."

"How?"

"Shit hits the fan."

"You need to try."

"Zoey! I'm tired."

"Go!" Zoey insists.

* * *

He opens the door, and looks at her, in complete confusion. He doesn't say anything, he just allows her to step in. She closes the door, and looks up at him.

"What are you doing here?"

"Again?"

"You told me that you being here was a mistake."

"I don't know whether to think all of this is a mistake, or some grand plan, created by the universe, to..." she trails off.

"To what?"

She shrugs, "Hell, if I know."

"What are you doing here? You made it pretty clear, earlier you think that this is a mistake."

"I don't like being vulnerable," she admits.

"I know that."

"Most of the relationships that I have had with men, were just about sex."

"Except with your husband."

"I make stupid choices, all of the time."

"You think that I am a stupid choice?"

"I do a lot of things, that I know are wrong."

"And?"

"How do I know why I did this? Was it because I wasn't supposed to have you?"

"Maybe it was because you wanted me."

"I definitely wanted you, in the moment."

"But you don't know if you want me, beyond that."

"Look I have a lot going on."

"In your head?"

"In my life. I need time to process everything that is going on, in my life, right now, ok?"

"So what does that mean, for me?"

"You're just going to have to wait."

"For what?"

"Until I get my shit together."

"When will that be?"

"I will let you know.""Why are you really here?"

"Because the thought of this, of use, it scares the shit out of me."

"I thought you were fearless."

"Even the boogey-monster is afraid of something."


	12. Boobs

It's funny, how when we want time to speed up, it goes slower. When we want it to slow down, it speeds up. Life always has a way of kicking us in the pants.

Time begins to pass, slowly, and painfully, in Jackie's life. All she wants is a bowl full of pills, and a tub full of alcohol. Resisting grows more difficult with each day. She somehow finds solace in her work. She arrives to work, early, on Monday morning. She is wearing her dreaded navy blue scrubs. She heads into Eleanor's office. She closes the door, behind her. Eleanor looks up, from her desk.

"Do you need something?"

"What makes you ask that?" Jackie questions.

"You have an odd look on your face," O'Hara points out.

"I need to ask you something."

"Ok," Eleanor nods.

"And, I need you to answer me, honestly."

"Me first," O'Hara insists.

"Ok," Jackie nods.

"How long has it been?"

"Since what?"

"You went over to his place?"

"Four weeks."

"Good girl."

"I am super tense, and I am ready to snap."

"He's like a drug," Eleanor reminds her.

"I am an addict, don't you think I know that?"

"What have you been thinking about, lately?"

"I dream about eating ice cream, for breakfast?"

O'Hara furrows her brow, not believing her, "Really?"

"With narcotic flavored sprinkles," Jackie admits.

"What did you come in here, to ask me?"

"Do I look fat?"

Eleanor smiles, "What the hell kind of question is that?"

"Do I?"

"Why do you care?"

"Do, I?" Jackie repeats.

"No," Eleanor insists.

"Good."

"Is that what you really want to know?" O'Hara follows up.

"No."

"Is that a new top?" Eleanor wonders.

"I'll never tell."

"Are you ok?" O'Hara asks, seriously.

"I am not dying," Jackie reminds her.

* * *

Hours later, Jackie, and Coop are having a heated discussion, on their way down the hallway. He grabs her boob, before she can stop him. Once he does, she quickly smacks his hand away. He stares at her, with a peculiar look on his face. He wears a look of confusion.

"What?"

He looks around. He points towards the chapel. She follows him in. Cooper looks around the chapel, to ensure no one else is around. He closes the door. He leans against one of the pews. He points to the pew, towards the back of the chapel.

"Sit," he tells her.

She takes a seat. He slides in, next to her. She shoots him a look, "What is the problem? Why did you bring me in here? If you're going to beg me not to tell," she begins.

He cuts her off, "No. That isn't it."

"What?"

"You didn't have a boob job, did you?"

She furrows her brow, "What the hell are you talking about?"

"How many times have I grabbed your boobs?" he inquires.

She shrugs, "Too many."

"Several times," he agrees.

"What is your point?"

"I know them," he answers.

She shakes her head, and stands up. "I am not having this conversation," she begins to walk away.

"We can have it now, or we can have it later. We can have it here, or in front of the entire ER staff. It is going to happen, whether you like it, or not. So, make up your mind."

"Coop," she looks at him, sternly, as he rises, from his seat, "I don't have time for this."

"Jackie, chill."

"Chill?!" she snaps, "You want me to chill? I just want half a fucking pill. I don't even need a whole one. I just want to be high. Some people crave caffeine, or chocolate. I crave narcotics. All I want is a pill, and I can't even have it."

"I have some vitamin C, in my office."

"You know that's not going to do the trick."

"It's yours, if you want it."

"What good is it going to do?" she raises an eyebrow.

"Placebo effect. I can pretend it's a Percocet, or a Vicodin, or even a Roxy if you want."

"It won't work."

"I am not going to give you any pills."

"I am not asking you to."

"If you need support, I'm here."

"Coop, sometimes you are such a freaking idiot."

"Then let's talk about your boobs."

"You touch them, and I don't punch you, isn't that enough?"

"No."

"I don't want to talk about them. I want that even less, than to have you touch them."

"Do you want me to touch them, again?"

"Coop, this is sexual harassment," she reminds him.

"Just talk, and we can forget about this."

"I doubt that."

"Tell me, the truth."

"About what?"

"Your boobs."

"Do you know how perverted you sound, right now?"

"Jackie, answer the question."


	13. Confrontation

"Your boobs are different, you can't deny that."

She doesn't say anything.

"And, I have grabbed enough boobs, to know that yours are real."

"What would possess me to get breast implants? I am a nurse, not a stripper."

"You wouldn't."

"What are you trying to ask?"

"They're bigger," he points out.

"No, I am not going down this road, with you," she argues.

"It's subtle, but they definitely are."

"Coop, just stop, while you're ahead," she warns.

"How long do you think you can keep it a secret? If you can't keep it a secret from an idiot like me, how much time could you possibly have?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," she argues.

"How long have you known?"

"Known what?" she raises an eyebrow.

"Jackie, just admit it. I know."

"Know what?"

"You're pregnant."

"You really think that is possible? Do you know how old I am?"

"Don't lie to me," he insists.

She looks at him, and says absolutely nothing.

"Let me see the tag in your shirt."

"Why?" she questions.

"Let me see it," he demands.

"Go for it," she agrees.

He walks behind her, and pulls the tag of her shirt up. He studies it, carefully, and then tucks it back into the shirt. She turns around, to face him.

"Satisfied?"

"You wear an extra small, maybe a small," he tells her.

"Whatever," she rolls her eyes.

"That is a medium," he points out, "and, honestly Jackie, it's kind of big on you."

"You're crazy."

"No, I'm not. Just fess up."

"Look, I don't want to talk about this."

"Why not?"

"Because, it's none of your business."

"Jackie, I am not going to tell anyone," he promises.

"Coop..."

"Are you worried that something is going to go wrong?"

She exhales, "I am worried that I am going to dive head first into a bottle of pills."

"I know."

"You have no idea how hard this is. I am barely hanging on."

"How much longer?"

"Too long," she admits.

"How far along are you?"

He leans in close. She whispers, "That's none of your business."

He shakes his head, as she walks away.

* * *

She makes her way down the hall. She ducks into O'Hara's office. She closes the door behind her. She stares at the door, just wanting a moment of peace.

"Are you hiding from someone?" O'Hara asks her.

She nearly jumps out of her skin. She turns around, and looks at Eleanor.

"I didn't mean to scare you," Eleanor admits.

"It's a good thing I peed, before I came in here."

"Who are you hiding from?"

"Coop just grabbed by boobs."

"Why are you telling me? That is a regular occurrence."

"Because, he grabbed them, before I could stop him."

"So?"

"He's touched them, lots of times before," Jackie points out.

"Exactly, so why would you care, now?"

"Because, he confronted me, about them."

"What about them?"

"That they have gotten larger."

"You're kidding, right?"

"I couldn't make this up."

"So, then what?"

"Then he told me that he felt enough boobs to know that I didn't have breast implants."

"I see."

"It just got ugly, from there."

"What did you say?"

"What could I say?"

"What did he say?"

"He asked me if I was pregnant."

"What did you say to that?" Eleanor questions.

"I did not confirm, or deny, really."

"This is bad."

"He asked me how far along I am."

"Ouch."

"I told him it was none of his business," Jackie admits.

"Jackie, you're playing with fire, here."

"So?"

"You're going to get burnt."

"It wouldn't be the first time."

"It would be the first time, that there isn't anything you can do about it."

"This fucking sucks."

"Which part?"

"All of it."

"Is there anything I can do, to help?"

"Shoot me. Just shoot me. Please," Jackie begs.

"I will not do that."

"Please. I am begging you. Just put me out of my misery."

"Jackie, you're the one who made this choice," she reminds her.


	14. Movement

She lies on the couch, staring at the television, trying to completely disconnect herself, from the world. Zoey is in the kitchen, making dinner. Jackie tries her hardest to feel absolutely nothing. She feels completely exhausted, after a sixteen hour shift. She has yet to find the energy to change out of her scrubs. One of her arms hangs off the side of the couch.

In the other room, Zoey works on dinner. She stirs the pot full of soup. Nothing fancy, for dinner, tonight. All either of them has energy for was a can of soup. Unfortunately the microwave is broken, and has yet to be replaced. As if either of them had the time, for that. As Zoey stirs, in circles, she nearly drifts off.

"Shit!" Jackie hollers, from the other room.

Zoey places the spoon on the spoon rest, and runs into the living room. She flips on the light, and heads for the couch. She stands in front of it, looking at Jackie.

"Are you ok?"

"Turn the light off," Jackie answers.

"Are you ok?"

"I just want to be numb. I don't want to feel anything."

"Is something wrong?"

"Don't worry about it, Zoey."

"Jackie, talk to me."

"Why am I doing this, to myself?"

"Doing, what?"

"Torturing myself."

"You seem to enjoy torturing yourself," Zoey reminds her.

"Not like this. This is just cruel."

"Jackie, I don't know why you're doing this. You never gave me any insight on that."

Jackie sits up. She places her feet on the floor, and pats the seat cushion next to her. Zoey sits down, next to her. She waits, for Jackie to continue.

"I want to do something right."

"What are you talking about? You do stuff right, all of the time. You are an amazing nurse."

"I know that I am a good nurse, that isn't what I am talking about."

"Ok?"

"I want to do something else in my life, right."

"What are you talking about?"

"I have fucked up just about everything I have ever done, in my entire life. I screwed up my marriage. I screwed up being a parent. I screwed up all of the things that really matter."

"I still don't understand."

"Just once in my life, I want to be able to truthfully say, I did everything I was supposed to. I would like to be able to say, that I didn't get high, on my kid's first day of preschool."

"I didn't think that you wanted this."

"I don't know that I do," she admits.

"Then why are you doing it?"

"Maybe you're right. Maybe I don't want this, at all. Maybe I just want a second chance, to do everything right, that I screwed up, the first time. Maybe, there is someone who wants this, and deserves it. The why, isn't very clear to me."

"You're crazy."

"I know that. I also know, that I keep you around, because you hold me accountable."

"So why were you hollering, earlier?"

She shakes her head, "Don't worry about it."

"Tell me," Zoey begs.

"It moved."

"It moved? Are you sure?"

Jackie nods, "Unfortunately."

* * *

She lies in her bed that night, wide awake, even though she is completely exhausted. She rests, on her back, staring up at the ceiling. She pushes her covers down. She's wearing a camisole, and a pair of pajama bottoms. She takes a deep breath. Against her better judgment she places her hand on her stomach. It happens, again.

"Really? You're going to be that kid?" she questions, out loud.

She elicits no answer. "I am going to be perfectly honest here; I am not entirely convinced that I can do this. In fact, I pretty sure that I can't. I want to apologize, in advance, for screwing your life up. I also want to point out, that I don't know if I can love you. I don't do a very good job, of loving anyone. I am not sure I even know how to love myself. I'm sorry, about the cards that you got dealt. Goodnight."

* * *

Eleanor locks the door, of her office, and closes the blinds. Jackie sits on the couch, looking at her. Eleanor sits down, next to her.

"Are you sure about this?" she questions.

"I'm not sure about anything."

"Don't you have appointment in the next week, or two?"

"Yes," Jackie confirms.

"Then why am I doing this?"

"Because I don't want to wait," Jackie admits.

"You can't wait a week, or two?"

"Just do it," Jackie insists.

O'Hara places the wand of the handheld ultrasound machine on Jackie's stomach. She moves it around, until she finds what she's looking for.

"Well?" Jackie raises an eyebrow.

"I don't want to answer."

"I have to know. I can't handle anymore drama."

"You created this drama," Eleanor reminds her.

"I created a lot of drama, at least one other time."

"Just one?"

"The jury is still out, on the other one."

"Look, I am not comfortable doing this," Eleanor admits.

"It's too late for me to change my mind, don't you think?"

"Technically, no, it's not."

"I am going to do this, if it kills me."

"Ok," Eleanor agrees.

"So?"

"I will tell you, later."

"Later? I will just do it, myself."

"You're going to be disappointed," Eleanor admits.

"Because?"

"Because you really do enjoy drama."


	15. Poppin Bottles

Weeks later, Jackie is sitting at her kitchen table, during breakfast. She eats her cereal, and Zoey just stares at her.

"Is there something on your mind?" Jackie questions.

"Do you have the girls, tonight?"

"Not until Friday, why?"

"Nothing, never mind."

"Just spit it out, Zoey."

"How far, are you?"

"You already know that."

"I think that you should tell him," Zoey answers.

"Tell who, what?"

"You're halfway there. What are you afraid of?"

"I am not telling him," Jackie argues.

"Don't you think he deserves to know?"

"No. I have a hard enough time believing this, and it is happening to me. I am not telling him."

"He should know."

"Not now."

"You're never going to tell him, are you?"

"Not until I have to."

"Are you planning on hiding this, the entire time?"

"If I have to."

"Why? Why are you making this harder on yourself?"

"I slept with my boss, multiple times," she reminds Zoey, "and now I am knocked up. Nobody else needs to know that, especially not him."

"What are you afraid of?"

"I would like to get this thing outside of my body, before I have to battle Mike Cruz, for it."

"Thing? You're back to calling it a thing? You need serious counseling."

"I don't like the word fetus."

"You could call it a baby."

"That makes it real," Jackie reminds her.

"Oh, because it's not real, now?"

"Zoey..."

"You feel it move. It's real."

"I still don't know, how I feel about it."

"Maybe, because you don't let yourself feel anything."

"I am clean, and sober, I feel everything, now," Jackie reminds her.

"Are you going to tell the girls?"

Jackie shakes her head, "I don't know how."

"So you're just going to wait until it pops out, and then, what?"

Jackie shrugs, "I don't know. I don't even know if I am planning on keeping it."

"If you weren't, why did you decide to have it?"

"Karma," Jackie admits.

"Karma? What do you mean?"

"I am trying to do something good."

"I think you have the idea of reparation confused with karma. You're trying to repay your debt, by doing something good. Right?"

"I am trying to do something good, in the hopes that it will come back to me."

"I don't buy it."

She stands in the mirror, that night, after she's gotten out of the shower. She's in her pajama's. She stares at her stomach. Although, it's not that big, it is starting to become noticeable. It isn't like, in previous weeks, where she stood there, pretending it isn't true. Twenty weeks in, and as a nurse, she can't deny it. It is definitely there. She is definitely pregnant. The baby does a somersault. She looks down, at her stomach. She turns, and walks away from the mirror.

"What are you doing?" she wonders. She gets a kick, to the rib. She rolls her eyes, as the turns off the lamp, and climbs into bed.

"It's bedtime," she adds. The movement stops, as if the baby inside of her, comprehends what she's saying.

* * *

After a long shift, Jackie is sitting in her designated seat, at the nurse's station. Zoey walks over, and hands her messenger bag, to her. She nudges Jackie, who has her head down, on the desk.

"Hm?" Jackie looks up.

"Are you ready to go home?"

"Can we stop by a bar, after work?"

Zoey shoots her a look.

"I'll explain, on the way out," Jackie tells her.

They leave the nurse's station. The conversation is non-existent, until they reach the street. They make it to the sidewalk, before Zoey can stay silent, no longer.

"Jackie, you can't go to a bar," she reminds her.

"I don't want to drink. I mean I think I would like a drink..."

Zoey cuts her off, "I am not taking you to a bar."

"I just want to smell it."

"Smell what?"

"Beer," Jackie reveals.

"You want to smell some beer? What kind of weirdo are you?"

"I just want to smell it."

"Do you have some form of pica, or something?" Zoey accuses, as they walk.

"It's not like I want to eat toilet paper, or dirt, or anything. I just want to smell some beer."

"That isn't normal."

"I have never claimed to be normal," Jackie reminds her.

"I could understand if you wanted ice cream, or something, along those lines, but to smell beer? That is just abnormal."

"And a bowl of A1."

"You don't want the steak, you just want steak sauce?"

"Yes," Jackie confirms.

"Come on, I'll buy you some A1," Zoey rolls her eyes.

"Beer, steak, and A1," Jackie responds.

"I don't think so," Zoey shakes her head.

"Why don't we go eat? I'll have some A1, and you can order a beer."

"I am not ordering a beer, so that you can sniff it."

"Come, Zoey, please. I just want to smell it. I don't need to drink it."

"Absolutely not."


	16. Raisins

Weeks later, Zoey is in the kitchen, making hamburger. Jackie sits at the table, just watching her.

"Jackie, what are you doing?"

"I'm just sitting here."

"Why are you watching me?"

"Those look good," Jackie answers.

"They will look even better when they're cooked, don't you think?"

"No."

"No?" Zoey furrows her brow, "You can't eat raw meat."

"I know that."

"Do you want to?"

"Maybe."

Before Zoey can lecture her, any farther Grace, and Fiona come in to the kitchen, from the living room.

"Zoey, when will dinner be done?" Fiona questions.

"I am going to put the burgers on the grill now, do you want to help?"

"Sure," she smiles, following Zoey into the back yard.

"Don't burn them," Jackie warns, as Zoey heads out the door.

Grace sits down, next to Jackie.

"Mom?"

"Hm?"

"Are you feeling ok?"

"I'm fine, why?"

"You seem tired," Grace points out.

"Honey, I am a nurse, tired is my middle name."

"I mean more tired than usual. Are you ok?"

"I'm fine sweetie. You don't have to worry about me. I just worked late last night, that's all."

"You would tell me if you weren't, wouldn't you?"

"Gracie, stop your worrying."

"Should we go out there, and help them?"

"Probably, we don't need to catch the back yard on fire."

* * *

She drops the girls off at school, and heads to work, the next morning. She shoves her bag under the desk, and takes a seat. She pulls open the desk drawer, and shoves her hand inside. She forages around inside. She finds paperclips, ink pens, random papers, and some chewing gum. She sighs when she doesn't find what she's looking for. She shoves the drawer closed in disgust. She sits in the chair, with her arms folded across her chest like an angry toddler. Thor comes in. He places a small box in front of her. She looks up at him, with a smile.

"I noticed that you were out, weirdo."

She pops open the box, and pulls out the contents, one at a time. He watches her as she chews, and rolls her eyes.

"Can you tell me why you have a sudden affinity for raisins? I didn't even know that you liked fruit."

"I don't."

"Then why are you eating raisins? Did they start making them in ice cream flavor, or something?"

"No."

"They laced them with sweet and all?" he guesses.

"Nope."

"Then what is your sudden obsession with them?"

She smiles, slyly, "Thor, if I told you that I would have to kill you."

Zoey comes back to the nurse's station, from the bathroom.

"Why are you going to kill him?"

"I found her foraging through her drawer, searching for her stash," Thor reveals.

Zoey turns at Jackie, with a look of concern. Jackie holds up the box of raisins.

"Of raisins," Jackie points out.

"Oh, of course."

Akalitus walks up the desk. She looks at Jackie, sternly.

"Jackie my office, now," she insists.

* * *

She follows Gloria down the hall to her office. They enter the room, and Akalitus takes a seat at her desk. She looks at Jackie.

"Close the door."

Jackie closes the door. Gloria points to the seat in front of her desk, "Have a seat," she barks.

Jackie takes a seat, "What's going on?"

"I am going to need you to pee in a cup."

"To test and see if I have raisins in my system? I confess, I do."

"No, but you bring up a very important topic."

Jackie furrows her brow, "What topic? Raisins?"

"Exactly."

"Exactly? Last time I checked I was allowed to eat raisins."

"You have been eating a lot of raisins lately."

"You think that it is some kind of conspiracy?"

"Is it?"

"If you have a question ask it."

"Why don't you just answer it," Gloria counters.

"I am clean. I haven't used for months, and months, and months."

"I am not doubting that."

"Not that I haven't wanted to. Wait, what?"

"I don't think that you've relapsed. That isn't why I brought you in here."

"Then why did you bring me in here?"

"I need the truth."

"About what, exactly?"

"The raisins."

"Gloria I don't know what you're talking about."

"Nobody likes raisins Jackie."

Jackie shakes her head, "You seriously called me in here to talk about me eating raisins? Has there been a complaint, or something?"

"No one in the world eats raisins except the elderly, and people who need iron."

"Are you calling me elderly?"

"Is your iron low?"

"No. I just like them."

"How many boxes a day are you up to?"

"Three, or four, why does it matter?"

"They have a lot of calories don't they?"

"Who cares? I run around here like I am a chicken with my head cut off. Gloria do you have a question?"

"Just one."

"Ask it," Jackie nods.

"Who is the responsible party?"


	17. Reality Check

"The other responsible party," Gloria clarifies.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Jackie argues.

"Cut the crap. I know. I am not going to tell anyone, I just want you to know that I know."

"Great, can I go now?"

"The other party?"

"There isn't one."

"There has to be."

"No name, just a number," Jackie lies.

Gloria shakes her head, "That bad, huh?"

"Can I go, now? I have actual work to do."

"Fine, but do me a favor?"

"Sure, what?"

"Why don't you take it easy?"

"I am a nurse, the word easy is not in my vocabulary."

"I don't want you to stroke out on me, I need you."

"Whatever," she rolls her eyes.

"When will I need to start covering your shifts?"

"I'll let you know," she answers, as she leaves the office.

* * *

The following morning, Jackie stands in her closet, staring at the clothing inside. She's still wearing pajama's because it's her day off.

"Zoey, can you come in here, for a minute?"

A few moments later Zoey enters the room.

"What's the problem?"

Jackie turns, and looks at her, "You want me to choose just one?"

"What are the problems?"

"First of all it's my day off, and my girls are with Kevin."

"That is why you called me up here? Technically the girls are at school, and you are going to pick them up when they get off."

"No that isn't why I called you up here."

"Why did you call me up here?"

"To have a chat about philosophy," she jokes.

"Why are you standing in the closet?"

"Maybe because I have nothing to wear."

"Do you have somewhere to be?" Zoey poses a better question.

"I need to get dressed."

"You didn't answer my question."

"I just want to get dressed. I don't have anywhere to be."

"Just put scrubs on."

"I am not going to work today."

"Put on some sweat pants."

"I don't own any sweat pants. This is ridiculous."

"You are absolutely right, it is. I have a brilliant idea."

"And what's that?"

"Why don't you stop hiding it, and just buy some clothes that fit?"

"That is the worst idea I have ever heard, in my entire life."

"Seriously, Jackie, how long can you possibly keep this up? You have already exceeded my expectations by weeks."

Jackie steps away from the closet. She goes over to her bed, and takes a seat on the end. She runs her fingers through her hair, in frustration. She looks at Zoey.

"I don't know if I can do this."

"Which part?"

She shakes her head, "Any of it."

"What choice do you have? It's a little late to make that call now, isn't it?" Zoey questions, trying her hardest not to stare at Jackie's stomach.

Jackie looks down, at her over-sized t-shirt. She's traded in her fitted camisoles for baggy t-shirts, only recently. Jackie takes a deep breath, and presses her hand against her stomach.

"How did this happen?"

"I..."

Jackie cuts her off, "I meant how did this happen to me? Of all of the people in the world..."

Zoey stops her, "I think you mean why."

"Because karma is a bitch. That is the why."

"Jackie, I thought that you would have learned by now that keeping secrets only ends badly."

"I don't intend on keeping this secret forever."

Zoey cocks an eyebrow, "I am not sure that I entirely agree with that statement."

"I just need to clear my head. Maybe I should go for a walk."

Zoey's lips creep into a smile. "How?"

Jackie shoots her a look.

"You have nothing to wear, you can't go anywhere," Zoey points out.

"Shit!"

Zoey's eyes widen, "It can hear you know, you know."

"I am sure that from in there my expletives sound like sneezes."

"I haven't seen any studies to confirm that."

"Or deny it," Jackie points out.

"You're going to have to go shopping. You know that, right?"

"How can I go shopping? I am not going into public in my pajamas."

"Why are you always so stubborn?"

Jackie takes a seat on the end of her bed, "It's not by choice. It's just who I am."

"Talk to me," Zoey insists.

"About what? I have nothing to say."

"You have nothing to say? You always have something to say. Jackie you have to deal with this."

She shakes her head, "I don't know how to deal with this. This is the last thing I expected to be happening in my life right now. I never wanted this."

"You never wanted it? It is a little bit late to decide that now."

"Maybe not."

"Do you really expect me to believe that you've made it this far, and when it's all over with you're just going to walk away? I have known you to do a lot of things, but walk away isn't one of them."

"I wake up in the middle of the night, and sometimes it takes me ten minutes to convince myself that this is really happening."


	18. Heart Of Stone

"I can't imagine how difficult this is for you."

"It isn't about being difficult. It's about being in disbelief."

"What do you mean?"

"I can handle the backaches, and the exhaustion. I have been a nurse long enough that both of those things are normal. I still have a hard time believing that there is a human being growing inside of me."

"You have done this twice, before."

"It was different. My life wasn't such a freaking mess. I was happily married to their father. It wasn't as if they were accidents. They were carefully planned. Every single detail. I remember with Grace I packed the bag for the hospital when I was six months pregnant. I knew what outfit she was going to where every single day for the first two weeks, before I even brought her home from the hospital."

"Not every story is a fairytale," Zoey comments.

"Do I sense a hint of negativity from little miss positive attitude?"

"Life isn't a fairytale, you just have to make the most of it," Zoey answers.

Jackie looks up at her. Zoey refuses to make eye contact. "Zoey, are you ok?"

"I'm fine."

"That face you're making, that doesn't constitute fine. What's bothering you?"

"I know this wasn't planned. I know that you're having a hard time with it, but you have to convince yourself, that once the baby is here, that you want it. If you can't, maybe you shouldn't do this."

Jackie furrows her brow, "Seriously, where is all of this negativity coming from? I am the negative one. You are the perky, happy one."

"Did it ever occur to you that it's all a facade? Everyone has their ways of coping."

"What do you mean, Zoey?"

Zoey shakes her head, she answers, on the verge of tears, "I wasn't planned. My parents never wanted me."

Jackie's heart sinks, "Zoey I am sure that isn't true."

"It absolutely is."

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault."

"Zoey, it's not yours either. If they were too stupid to see what an amazing person you are, that is their loss."

"Let's go shopping," she changes the subject.

"But..." Jackie tries tot argue.

Zoey cuts her off, "You need new scrubs, too."

"What am I going to wear to go shopping?"

"You can borrow my kimono," Zoey jokes.

Jackie can't help but smile.

* * *

Jackie groans, as they walk down the street. Zoey carries shopping bags, and Jackie follows behind her.

"Zoey I'm done. I hate shopping. We bought new clothes. What more could I possibly need?"

"One more store."

"No, Zoey that is what you said three stores ago."

"I feel like I should have brought a stroller along."

"For all of the bags?"

"For you," Zoey quips.

"Ouch. You're calling me a baby?"

"One more store."

"Fine," Jackie sighs.

They pass several shops. Finally half a block later Zoey stops. Jackie looks at the window. She looks to Zoey, and shakes her head.

"No. I am not going in there."

"Why not?"

"I am not going to buy baby shit. It's too early."

"I am not saying you have to buy anything, but I think you should start looking."

"Why?"

"Because you're six months in, and you are completely unprepared."

"It isn't as if this thing is going to drop out of me tomorrow."

"But it could."

"I would certainly hope not."

"It could happen."

"How did we go from you calling me a baby, to you calling me old in a span of five minutes?"

"We're going in."

Jackie folds her arms across her chest, and shakes her head.

"I'll buy you ice cream."

"You're trying to bribe me, with ice cream?"

"The kind from across the street, with the endless topping bar," Zoey points across the street, at the ice cream shop, "They have raisins."

"Fine," she agrees.

She follows Zoey into the store. Zoey holds up outfits, and Jackie just rolls her eyes.

"I can see that you're getting tired, and cranky, so we can go."

"Now?"

"In a minute. I am going to look at the books, and then we can go."

"That is the best deal I have heard all day."

Zoey crosses to the other side of the store. Jackie stands in front of rows, and rows of baby clothing neatly hung on racks.

* * *

When they get home Zoey heads to the laundry room. She tosses the newly purchased scrubs into the washer after taking the tags off. She pitches a few pairs of dirty scrubs. When she returns to the kitchen she finds Jackie heading for the door.

"Where are you going?"

"I have an errand to run."

"What errand?"

"Just an errand."

"Of what nature?"

"I've got to get the oil change in the car."

"You got it changed last month. We both know that you don't drive it that much."

"I'll be back shortly."

"If you're not?"

"If I'm not back in an hour or two send out a search party."


	19. Justify

She knocks on the door, secretly praying that no one is home. She hears footsteps, and after a few seconds the door comes open. The party on the other side of the door looks at her, in confusion. He shakes his head.

"Jackie, what are you doing here?"

"We need to talk."

"You have been avoiding me, for months, and now you just show up on my doorstep? What gives?"

"Can I come in?"

"Sure," he nods, and steps aside to let her in.

He closes the door behind her. She keeps her distance. He waits for her to initiate the conversation, but is clear she isn't going to.

"Jackie what are you doing here?"

"I told you, we need to talk," she answers.

"Then talk," Cruz suggests.

"I don't know where to start," she admits.

"Why don't you start with why you're here."

"I'm here, because I there is something that I wanted you to know.""What could you possibly want me to know? You are the one who walked away. You are the one who was afraid."

"Mike I was still married."

"That never mattered before, did it?"

"You're right, it didn't."

"What are you saying?"

"I was wrong then, too."

"Don't tell me that you're here to give me some sanctity of marriage bullshit."

"That is not why I'm here."

"Then why the hell are you here?"

"Why are you so angry at me?"

"Because I thought that we had something, and you just walked away. Jackie I had just lost my son, and the one person I thought that I could count on, walked away. What am I supposed to feel?"

"I am sorry."

"I here you saying that you're sorry, but I don't hear any explanation as to why you're here."

"You know what, maybe this was a mistake."

"This relationship?"

"Coming here. I thought that we could have a civilized conversation, like to adults, but clearly we can't. You're too much of a petulant child to do that."

"Come on."

"I am sorry that you're an asshole," she turns to leave.

He steps forward, and grabs her by the upper arm. She spins around, and glares at him.

"Let go of me."

"We aren't finished here," he insists.

She peels his fingers off of her arm, "Yeah, we are," she storms out. She slams the door behind her, and drives home.

* * *

She walks through the door, and finds Zoey in the living room, sitting on the couch. She quietly folds laundry. Jackie tries not to make eye contact, as she makes a beeline for the stairs.

"Where are you going?"

Jackie freezes. She takes a deep breath, as her nostrils flare. She turn and looks at Zoey, and she can't keep it together, anymore. She lowers herself to the ground. Her back rests against the wall, as she sobs.

"What happened?"

"I am an idiot, that is what happened," Jackie reveals.

"Where did you go?"

"I kept telling myself that you weren't right. I tried to convince myself that I didn't need to tell him. Unfortunately you had to take me to that freaking baby store, today. And I was standing there, and all I could think was how unfair it is. The kid is already getting a shitty, screwed up mom. The very least I could do was give it a chance to have a halfway normal life, and a halfway normal father."

"You went to tell Cruz?"

"Yeah."

"He didn't react well?"

"I never told him. I got there, and he was a complete asshole."

"You should have told him."

"He was completely full of rage. He was so angry at me, for abandoning him, or some bullshit. He is a grown man, and he was acting like a child."

"Jackie you never wanted to tell him."

"I am not trying to justify it. I just couldn't tell him."

"Tonight?"

"I can never tell him."

"What makes you say that?"

"I don't want someone like that in my life. He is poison."

"Jackie..."

"No," she shakes her head, "I am never going to tell him."

"That isn't fair."

"I don't want him in this kid's life. He is unstable. I think that what I saw tonight were his true colors."

"He is grieving."

"That doesn't mean that it is ok to take it out on me. I didn't take Charlie away from him. I didn't take his son away from him."

"What about now? You're taking this kid away from him, aren't you."

"He never has to know. He isn't at the hospital anymore, and I think it's better this way."

"Jackie how do you plan on doing this?"

"What do you mean?"

"Who is going to watch the baby, when you're at work?"

She shrugs, "I don't know. I'll figure it out."

"You have got to stop living in denial. The baby is going to be here, before you know it. You have to deal with it. Mistake, or not, its time that you face it."

"I know that, but it doesn't make it any easier."

"I know."

"What if I screw this up? What if I screw this kid up just as badly as I did my girls? At least they have Kevin in their life. I screwed them up, and I didn't even see it."

"It's not the same. You're clean."


	20. Blindsided

It's just after midnight, and she's wide awake in her bed. She climbs out of bed, and goes downstairs. She grabs the car keys, and drives to familiar location. She pulls the door open, and the smell of stale beer hits her nostrils. She enters the bar, and heads for the counter. She finds Kevin standing behind the counter.

"Jackie, what are you doing here in the middle of the night? Where are the girls?"

"They're at home in bed, asleep."

"You're not," he points out.

"Zoey is at home."

"What are you doing here? Don't you have work in the morning?"

"Yeah."

"Jackie you're in your pajamas."

"I know."

"What's going on?"

"Can we talk?"

"We're talking."

"In private?"

"Yeah," he nods leading her past the bar into the storeroom. It's much quieter in the store room. She closes the door, to block out the rest of the noise.

"What gives? Why are you at my bar this late? You should be at home."

"I couldn't sleep."

"So you came here, to talk to me?"

"I need to tell you something."

"It couldn't wait?"

"No," she shakes her head, "because I want to tell the girls in the morning."

"Tell them what?"

"I thought that I should talk to you first, so that you wouldn't be blindsided."

"About what?"

"Kevin I was seeing someone for a brief period of time."

He shakes his head, "Jackie I don't want to hear this."

"Yes, you do."

"I don't want to hear about whatever fling you may, or may not have had, with the pharmacist, or whoever."

"Kevin, I'm pregnant," she just spits it out.

His eyes widen. He stares at her, in disbelief, "You're what?"

"I'm pregnant."

"Are you being serious, right now?"

"Yes."

"Since when?"

"A while."

"How long?"

She shrugs, "Six months."

"You're shitting me right now."

"I wish."

"You're serious?"

"As a heart attack."

"I don't believe you."

She reaches for his hand. He doesn't resist. She places it against her stomach. He stands, frozen, just looking at her. After a moment he pulls his hand away.

"Do you believe me now?"

He nods, "I felt it. How did that happen?"

She shakes her head, "I keep asking myself that same question, and I can't come up with a good answer."

"Why didn't you tell me, sooner?"

"I didn't tell anyone, except Zoey."

"And the guy?"

"He is not important."

"What are you going to tell the girls?"

"I'm not sure yet."

"Maybe you shouldn't tell them."

"I should just ambush them one day, with a baby? Kevin it's not like they're little anymore. I can't just pull the wool over their eyes."

"Sometimes I wish that they were."

"I know, but we can't change the past."

"How are you going to do it, on your own?"

She shrugs, "I don't know. I'll figure it out."

"You'll figure it out? Jackie it's a kid, not a goldfish."

"I have to be completely honest, I was completely blindsided when I found out. I am still in shock. I still have to convince myself that it is really happening."

"What are you going to tell the girls?"

She shrugs, "The truth, I guess."

"The truth? Which is what? You screwed some guy, and wound up pregnant? You're a great role model."

"Don't do this. Don't be a douche."

"I'm sorry. I just don't understand how you can even consider bringing another child into this world as much as you fucked up the first two."

"I wouldn't have. I never would have wanted another child."

"But you're having one," he points out.

"Yeah."

"Are you keeping it?"

She looks him in the eye, "Yeah."

"Really?"

"Why do you sound so surprised?"

"Because you were the one who didn't want another kid. You were the one who said that..."

She cuts him off, "Kevin I know what I said. I meant it. I didn't want another kid."

"Why are you keeping it, with so many other options out there?"

"Because I want to."

"Jackie you're being selfish. You can't really expect to be a single mother to a kid, from day one, when you work sixty or more hours a week, with no father figure around, and not have it end up completely screwed up."

"I know that I have made a lot of mistakes. More than I even want to think about."

Suddenly it clicks for him, "This isn't about the kid at all, is it? It's about you. You want redemption. You want to prove to yourself, and the rest of the world that you can do it. It's not about wanting the kid. It's about wanting to have a do over."

"Part of me wants a second chance."

"And the other part of you?"

"Is scared to death that I am going to complete ruin another innocent child's life."

"Then don't. Give it up for adoption."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want to."


	21. The Tell

She looks over at Zoey, as they approach the entrance of the hospital. Jackie wears her messenger bag across her midsection. Zoey makes eye contact as they grow closer to the door.

"Are you nervous?"

"I can't have drugs, or alcohol, and I am about to go into the hospital and..."

Zoey cuts her off, "You couldn't have them before either," she reminds her.

"I shouldn't. I could have if I wanted to. Now I can't."

"You still can, but..."

Jackie cuts her off, as they stop in front of the door, "I'll be in shortly."

"You're coming."

Jackie shakes her head, "I don't think that I can do this."

"You can, you just don't want to."

"True."

"Suck it up," Zoey insists, as she holds the door open.

Jackie steps into the hospital. Zoey follows close behind her, to keep her from going off the designated path. They manage to make it to the nurse's station. Jackie takes a seat in her chair, but she doesn't take off the bag.

"Jackie, put the bag under the desk," Zoey instructs.

Jackie shoots her a look, and lifts the strap off her shoulder. She slides the bag off, and pushes it under the table.

"I want to go home."

"You love work, besides you'll be fine."

"I don't want to do this."

"It's a little late now."

"Zoey I can't do this."

"You don't have a choice."

"But I didn't tell..."

Zoey cuts her off, "I know. He's not here anymore. You can tell him later."

"What if I don't want to tell him, at all?"

"I think that he'll find out, don't you?"

"Maybe not."

Before Zoey can respond paramedics come through the door. Jackie vacates her seat, without a second thought. She leaves the nurse's station, with Zoey, and joins the paramedics in trauma two. Less than two minutes later Thor joins two more paramedics in the next bay with another trauma victim. He is too focused on his trauma to notice Jackie.

Eventually they finish, and return to the nurse's station. Jackie stands in front of the counter, writing on a chart. She finishes, and tosses it in the basket. She comes from behind the counter, and makes her way to her seat. Thor looks up, from the chart that he's looking at. Dr. Cooper just happens to be walking by at the same time.

"When did that happen?" Thor points at Jackie.

Coop stops upon hearing the comment, and looks at her, too.

"I don't know what you're talking about," she lies.

Thor moves towards her. He stares at her mid-section. Coop joins them. He stares at her stomach, for a moment, and then looks her in the eye.

"Is it real?" Dr. Cooper questions.

"You're kidding me, right? You think that I want to work twelve hour shift with a fake stomach? And to prove what exactly?"

"So that's a yes?" Thor clarifies.

"Can I touch it?" Coop begs, as his hand moves towards her.

"If you touch it I will cut off your fingers. Is that understood? I know that you have a compulsion, but seriously, I will get a scalpel and slice them off. Or if you would prefer I'll stick them in the silent knight, and crush them."

"Just once?" Coop insists.

"No."

"So I would just like to point out the fact that you have obviously been hiding this from us for a while," Thor adds.

"Obviously."

"How long?" Thor follows up.

"That is none of your business."

"And who is the..." Dr. Cooper begins to ask.

Jackie cuts him off, "It's you Coop."

"Very funny," Coop growls.

"But seriously, who is it?" Thor queries.

"It's nobody," Jackie answers.

"I know you didn't plan it, so..." Thor begins.

"I am not telling," Jackie answers, before he can finish his question.

"I am wondering," Coop takes his turn.

"Look I am not discussing it anymore. It happened, there is nothing that I can do about it, so get over it. I don't want to dwell on it. I don't want to be treated as if I am an invalid. I am perfectly capable of doing my job. Is that clear?"

"Yes," Thor nods.

"Can I ask one more question?" Coop implores.

"Make it quick."

"Do you know what it is?" he quizzes.

"Yes," she confirms.

"And..." Coop tries to continue.

"And you only asked for one more question," Jackie cuts him off.

"But..." he tries to argue.

"I know, and I'm not telling," she answers as she walks away.

Thor, and Dr. Cooper stand there, completely dumbfounded as she heads into check on a patient.

She stops in front of the pharmacy window. Eddie looks up at her. He furrows his brow, in confusion.

"You need something Jackie?"

"Dulcolax suppositories."

"Why don't you just come in and get them?"

"I am in a hurry."

"In the amount of time that we have been having this conversation you could have already gotten them yourself."

"You're probably right."

"So, just come in and get them."

"You know, maybe bed three can wait."

"Jackie what's going on?"

She takes a deep breath, and walks to the door. She scans her badge, and goes into the room. She briskly walks to the section she needs to be in. She grabs a handful of suppositories, and tries to make it back to the door, before he notices.

"Whoa!" he tells her, as she reaches for the door handle.


	22. Nightmares

_"What?" she asks, unwilling to turn and look at him._

_"Can you look at me, when you're talking to me?"_

_"I really have to get these suppositories to bed three."_

_"Jackie, bed three can wait. Turn around," Cruz insists._

_She pivots, in his direction. She faces him. He takes a step closer. She refuses to look down. He stares at her with a look of disbelief on his face._

_"Something you want to share?" he stares at her midsection._

_"No," she swallows hard._

_"Really?"_

_"I'm good."_

_"Jackie, the elephant in the room is a little hard to ignore."_

_She breaks eye contact, and looks down at her stomach. Six and a half months along, and she looks as if she's four months along, instead. Her shirt doesn't cling to her stomach, but it makes the bump difficult to ignore. She looks up at Eddie. He breaks the silence, as it's obvious that she isn't going to._

_"You're pregnant?"_

_"Yeah," she nods._

_"Good for you," he says in a flat tone._

_"That's it? That's all you have to say?"_

_He shrugs, "What am I supposed to say?"_

_"You're supposed to ask what the hell I was thinking."_

_"I didn't want to be rude."_

_"Do you know how old I am?"_

_"I do," he confirms._

_"I didn't plan this. I didn't want it to happen."_

_"Oh. I thought maybe somewhere in the midst of your mid-life crisis you decided that you wanted a baby, and went to a sperm bank, or some shit."_

_"That would have been easier, I think."_

_"Easier to get pregnant?"_

_She shakes her head, "Easier to deal with. At least then I would have been somewhat in control. I would have known it was coming."_

_"So it was a complete surprise?"_

_"Yeah," she nods, in confirmation._

_"And the guy?"_

_"Is a huge asshole."_

_"You have to be scared out of your fucking mind. I mean I know you already have two kids, but this is different. You were married. You planned them. Now you're single, and this kid wasn't planned."_

_"Scared doesn't even begin to cover it," she admits._

_"You could have told me."_

_"I know."_

_"So are you keeping it?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"How is that going to work?"_

_"I don't have the slightest idea. I guess I'll just sling it over my shoulder, or put it in a backpack, and keep working, after it's born. I don't really need to take any time off. I'll just pop it out in the E.R., and keep going," she jokes._

_"I know you're joking, but I wouldn't put it past you," Mike admits._

_"I'll do what other normal people do..."_

_He cuts her off, "I've never known you to be normal."_

_She clarifies, "I'll do what normal people do. I'll put it in daycare, I guess."_

_"That shit is expensive."_

_"Everything about having a kid is expensive."_

_"If I can help, let me know."_

She rockets into consciousness. It takes her ten minutes to get awake enough to realize that it is all just a dream. She checks her watch, and realizes the girls will be home, soon. She heads into the kitchen to start dinner. She's is stirring a pot, when she hears the door open.

"We're here," Zoey announces.

Grace, and Fiona come into the kitchen.

"Girls why don't you go wash your hands? Dinner will be done in a minute," Jackie instructs.

A few minutes later they return to the kitchen. Jackie has already put dinner on the table. Grace, and Fiona join Zoey at the table. Jackie is the last to sit down. They start to eat.

"So how was school today?" Jackie questions.

"It was fine, why did Zoey pick us up today?" Fiona wonders.

"I had to come home and take a shower after work. I had an enema go wrong," she stretches the truth.

Grace furrows her brow, "Do we have to talk about that, at dinner?"

"No," Jackie shakes her head.

"Mom you look nervous, is everything ok?" Fiona queries.

"I am a little bit nervous," Jackie admits.

"About what?" Fiona follows up.

"There is something that I need to tell you girls."

Grace chimes in, "We know. Daddy told us that you needed to talk to us about something."

"What's going on?" Fiona wonders.

"Is there something wrong?" Grace automatically assumes.

"There isn't anything wrong," Jackie insists.

"Jackie, you should just tell them," Zoey suggests.

"You're right."

"So what is it?" Grace stares Jackie in the eye.

"Are you going to let us have a puppy?" Fiona hopes.

"She's not going to let us have a puppy," Grace rolls her eyes.

"You would be my favorite, if we could have a puppy," Fiona adds.

"Well, Fi, it's funny you should mention that. We are getting a new family member."

Fiona smiles, at Grace, "See, I told you that we were going to get a puppy."

Jackie continues, "But it isn't a puppy. It's sort of like a puppy, but not quite."

"A kitten?" Fiona guesses.

"No. It will probably be cute, but it won't be that furry. And once it's here we can't get rid of it," Jackie explains.

"Just tell us!" Grace insists.

"Guys, I know that there have been a lot of changes lately. I know that I am responsible for most of them, and that you aren't happy with all of them. I know you're still trying to adjust, and that you don't understand all of the changes that have been made. I know this is not the greatest timing, either. I wish that there were better circumstances. I hope that the two of you won't be angry at me for this. I know you already feel like you don't spend enough time with me..." Jackie trails off.

"Mom, you're worrying me, just tell us what it is," Grace advises.

"I'm pregnant."


	23. Anxiety

"You're having a baby?" Fiona clarifies.

"Yes," Jackie confirms to Fiona, while looking at her oldest daughter.

Grace sits silently at the other side of the table, with an unchanged facial expression.

"Can I help name it?" Fiona wonders.

"Of course," Jackie agrees.

"Where is it going to sleep?" Fiona queries.

"That is something else I wanted to talk to you guys about. I was hoping you two would be willing to move to another room."

Grace furrows her brow, "What other room?"

"We can cross that bridge when we get to it."

"Ok," Grace concedes.

"Grace you're being awfully quiet about this. Are you ok?"

"Why would you want to have another kid? Aren't we enough?" Grace responds.

"I didn't plan this. The two of you are my whole world."

"So it was an accident?" Grace replies.

Jackie nods, "I guess that you could say that."

"Oh."

* * *

_Early Friday morning she's sitting at the nurse's station when the phone rings. She answers it. She hangs up after a few moments, finding herself summoned to Mike Cruz's office. She trudges down the hallway, like a kid who has just been called to the principle's office. She steps into the office, and closes the door behind her. He stands behind his desk, just looking at her._

_"Something you want to tell me?"_

_"Nope."_

_"I think you need to reconsider that. Jackie, when were you going to tell me?"_

_"Tell you what?"_

_"That you're pregnant?"_

_"Who told you that?"_

_"No one told me that. I have eyes. I can see that you're pregnant."_

_"Maybe I am just getting fat."_

_"You're pregnant."_

_"What does it matter to you?"_

_"I would have appreciated it if I hadn't been blindsided by it. A little warning, or heads up would have been nice. I walked through the E.R. this morning, and I find you bagging someone. The first thing I notices was the ambu-bag. The second thing I noticed was your stomach."_

_"What do you want me to say?"_

_"An apology would have be nice."_

_Jackie shakes her head, "I am not going to apologize to you."_

_"You know, it's funny I asked other people, and they flatly denied everything. I know that they are all in your corner, but seriously, this shit has got to stop. The shenanigans have to stop. Ok?"_

_"Whatever," she rolls her eyes._

_"I'm your boss, why didn't you tell me?"_

_"Because you are also a douche bag. Can I go back to work now? I think this conversation is over."_

_"This conversation is not over."_

_She turns, and leaves the room, despite this statement._

_When Zoey gets home, she finds Jackie laying on the floor in the living room, between the couch, and the coffee table._

_"What are you doing?"_

_"Laying here," Jackie answers._

_"I can see that. Why?"_

_"My back has been killing me. I thought that if I lied on the floor it might help."_

_"And did it?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"Then why are you still laying there? Did your back go out?"_

_"No."_

_"Do you need help getting up?"_

_"I'm not that big, yet."_

_"I know. So why are you still on the floor."_

_"Cruz knows."_

_"That you're having his baby?"_

_"That I'm pregnant. I didn't tell him that part."_

_"You know he's going to figure out."_

_"How? I'm not going to tell him."_

_"When you have the baby he'll figure it out."_

_"I hope not."_

_"Jackie you can't runaway from this. Just because he doesn't know that you're six and a half months along doesn't mean he won't figure it out, eventually. You have to tell him."_

_"I can't."_

_"Why not? Why are you so afraid to tell him?"_

_"I don't have the greatest track record. I'll be damned if he tries to come along, and take my kid from me."_

_"Jackie, he doesn't have the greatest track record either."_

_"But he is looking for redemption."_

_"Aren't you, too?"_

_"It's my baby.""It's weird to hear you say that sentence."_

_"It is even weirder for me to say it."_

_"I know. I am going to go start dinner."_

_"I'll be here," Jackie answers._

_Zoey leaves the room, and goes into the kitchen._

* * *

Jackie wakes up to the sound of the alarm clock going off. She opens her eyes, and finds that she's still in bed. She stares in front of her, at the bump. Her hands rise from their resting spot. She places them on her stomach. The baby moves underneath her hand. In her wildest dreams she could never have pictured this. The thought of having a kid at her age completely terrifies her. The thought of having another kid, at all scares her. There are so many things that can go wrong. So many things she could screw up.

She wonders if this is supposed to be a punishment, or a reward. And, when would she figure it out. Even though she can feel the baby move, part of her still feels numb. Part of her still doesn't want to believe that any of it is happening. Deep down part of her still doesn't want this. Just part of her.


End file.
